So I'm beginning to think that life is like a peep show. You give a little, you get a little reward. You give a lot, you get a little reward. In all my wanderings, I'm beginning to question whether it is possible to do it all.....within the confines of what is available. For example, I'd like to see the world, travel without destination, kneel down in the street of a place that begins to blend in with all the others and just be thankful that I am alive. I want to get drunk in a tavern of a town so small that there is no name. I want to look into someone's eyes, and communicate with emotion and without words. There is so much to see, but how is it possible?
In the chemically treated, raw, and dismal truth of things, there is so much bullshit. So many factors that you involve yourself in without even being aware of them. Do I sell my shit and just run free, breaking my lease and obligations that you could barely consider wanting to be obliged to? Sell my furniture and possessions and buy a plane ticket just to be penniless and without sanctuary in a foreign land? Put all my goals, and expectations on hold and just wander? Of course it may seem bleak, but I know it would be worth it. Seeing one sunrise on an African Safari, or stumbling through words I can barely understand in a Asian marketplace, would make it all OK.
What kills me is that people always say that there are the watchers and the doers. My biggest fear would be to be a watcher. I cannot fathom living a life without awe and seeing the unimaginable.
No matter how bad things in life can get, and as inevitable as they may be, the fear of what may never be, is worse than the fear of what can and will.

Apparently, these are the best years of my life! I just wish I had some time to enjoy them.
Today is the perfect example of my life. I get up, throw on some clothes, spray some perfume so that I may maintain that feminine persona even though sometimes I feel more like a slug, I work, I sit for like 5 minutes and cram in some homework into my overlly swollen brain, and then go back to work.
Its a vicous routine that most wouldnt have the heart or the stamina for, but I guess I bring it on myself. I've tried the mellow route, and to be completely honest, unless I have soemthing to do all 24 hours of the day, I slip into a lethargic depressed state. I need to feel I have some purpose, no matter how trivial. I often wonder how many people are out there like myself. Scrounging, scraping, sweating, and loving every minute of it.......

Everyday we wander through life trying not to stumble upon our own thoughts while making certain that our focus lies straight ahead and avoids the obvious flaws around us that scream for our attention. I can't honestly say that my life up till this point has even begin to live up to the expectations that we are taught to place upon ourselves, but I can say that I am painfully aware of the days that pass by, and with them comes new expectation.
My father is a realist. The perfect picture of practicality with just enough cynicism that it makes you smile. I learned from him that you must always have a goal, some guidelines to follow. Without them, life would be nothing more than a biology experiment gone wrong.
My mother is an idealist. Filled to the brim with optimism and contempt for anyone or thing that stands in the way of whatever idea (no matter how frivolous) she may have.
However inconceivable there match up may have been, I was conceived. And with my introduction followed years of seeing the spectrum of life from very different angles. So now, living an independent life in the hustle bustle city of Chicago, miles away from what family I have and the security that goes along with it, I discover a new reason to appreciate the very different values I was given.
But is it possible to be a realist and an optimist?
I have my moments when I hang my head in shame and lose respect for the human race as a whole, (I am employed as a bartender....enough said), but then there are those moments when I breathe in the life and energy around me and am given renewed faith in the world and wish that for only one moment someone could share that feeling with me.