Monday, November 17, 2008

I forgot how pretty snow was. In November. In March or April, it's hideous. :)

I was just sitting in the window of my local tea shop when suddenly the sky opened up and for about 10 minutes it snowed. And the snow came down like it had burst from the sky after holding its breath for 8 months. It was cute. Like a little snow burp or something.

Friday, October 24, 2008


Bullshit Corporate America Job


You will not be missed.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Stupid Corporate Cows.....

Stop raining on my Obama-parade!

Ok, so today I'm at work and I enter my clients office to see the two of them, Cow #1= Property Mgr. chewing cud w/ Cow #2-Asst. Prop Mgr., at the window over-looking Michigan Ave. They look rather suspicious and are talking quietly.

To those of you are not Chicagoans, Barack Obama is planning on having an Election Day event in Grant Park here in Chicago. This is HUGE for Chicago fans of Barack.

Here is the conversation that transpires:

Me: Hey what's up? There a parade or something out there?

Cow#1: No, we were just overlooking the street discussing this whole Obama election day thing.

Me: Oh yeah. That's gonna be awesome!

Cow#2: Really? You think so? We were just saying how there might be implications for the building.

Me: Really? Negative implications? How do you figure? The building will be closed.

Cow#1: Well it might get a little crazy.

Me: Yeah, I know. That's awesome. (Long pause after receiving blank stares) Oh. You mean crazy in a bad way.

Cow#1: Yeah. There are a lot of people in the northwest suburbs who are Republican you know.

Me: Ha ha. You're joking right? What are they gonna do? Jump in their cars and leave the safety of the burbs to come protest Obama amid thousands of jubilant supporters. Ha. Right.

(Another long pause)

Cow#2: I don't know, it might get out of control?

Me: Yeah, because normally mass riots occur after elections. What are we really getting at here?

Cow#1: Just that there are a lot of Republicans who will not be happy. That's all.

Me: Uh-huh. Right. Well, I think it's gonna be great! (inner monologue yells: Stupid Cows!! Enjoy your pity party in the suburbs! hahaha)

Do you see what I have to work with people? Ugh.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Sexual Harassment is bad... except when it's good?

While perusing around the bottomless abyss that is the internet today, I came across this rare gem of a story and it really got me thinking.

In the ridiculous and falsely named article "The Best Way to Stop Harassment" by Working Girl, A.K.A. Karen Burns, she dispenses some advice for women in the workplace.

Feeling threatened at work by that overbearing, creepy, sweaty boss of yours? Just laugh it off! There's nothing a little chuckle won't cure! And at the same time, it sends the dude the message without having to actually SAY what you are thinking! Genius right? Um...Wrong. Here are just a few of her methods:

"Laughter as a weapon comes in five flavors:
1. Scornful laughter. As in: "Right. In your dreams."
2. Incredulous laughter. As in: "Ha. You can't be serious."
3. Bemused laughter. As in: "I can't believe you just said that, and, as a favor to you, I'm going to pretend it didn't happen."
4. Faux-sympathetic laughter. As in: "Poor you. You really need to get a life, don't you?"
5. Diabolical laughter. As in: "Great! I've been waiting for you to make a stupid mistake like this."
Laughter confuses the harasser, reversing the whole dynamic in your favor. Try it. You'll see."

Um...passive aggressive much? And I love how this is one of her cornerstone "favorite and supereffective" tools for combating aggressive behavior by someone of the opposite sex.

Listen, I don't claim to be a P.C. person-- in fact I'm sure that I've crossed the line with a lot of the ridiculous garbage that falls out of my mouth most of the time. I know a thing or two about being offensive-- and I'm not going to sit here to dispense advice on correct behavior either.

But I do feel like this writer is a moron and totally irresponsible. Honestly, I think that her advice sets women back about 20 fucking years in the workplace. We shouldn't be teaching young women to be passive aggressive little nancies who need someone bigger and stronger to defend our honor. Fuck that!

Someone tells you that you gotta nice rack, (and its not the cute copy guy you've been scoping out for a while), and its not ANYONE you want looking at your rack, tell them to FUCK OFF! Or... Watch your mouth asshole! There's a lesson in subtlety. And this method has been proven with many many unruly bar patrons or ass wipes on the street. Trust me, I've done the legwork. Then we'll see what method works better.

The little chuckle that will most likely confuse the fuck out of the guy and perhaps encourage him to make more inappropriate comments? Or the FUCK OFF! Hmm... you decide.

Since we are on the topic of workplace sexual harrassment, I feel that it might be important to broach the topic of a form of sexual harassment that is more or less considered a "sexual flirtation" in some workplaces. Specifically, the service industry. It's as though there is this secret unspoken rule that ass-smacking and lewd comments are all part of an initiation into the team. And this behavior is not only male on female, but female on female, male on male, female on male, etc. etc.

Bars and restaurants are different in that most of the time the work environment is more laxed because it is nighttime and sometimes there is alcohol involved. (Which usually leads to some very awkward situations for all parties) But still, the harassment exists in its own world, untouched and almost expected. I often wonder why that is. And I can't help but to weigh the pros and cons. I mean, I've worked in both service and office jobs and on one hand it seems like people in the corporate world could probably be well served to throw back a couple shots of Jack Daniels during the day to loosen up and stop taking everything so seriously. I guarantee that Little Miss Shy Secretary will have no problems telling her chauvinist pig boss that, "No, I don't want to fuck you and I'd rather fuck a corpse!!" But then again, I don't necessarily think I could work for someone in an office who is a bad drunk. Its hard to respect anyone who you've seen projectile vomit or sob themselves to sleep.

The two environments are in fact two very different places. And I'd say that most of the people that work in busy nightclubs and bars are pretty attractive, thus creating an environment fueled by sexual tension, while in the corporate sphere the cow-looking women from accounting and the nerdy IT guys probably don't feel the same chemistry.

I guess somewhere along the lines here I've gotten beautifully off point so to get back to topic let me say this. Ladies & Gentlemen, it is 2008. No one but you will ever be able to get you out of uncomfortable situations. Some believe passiveness is a positive trait and I'm sure in a lot of ways it is, but a passive reaction to overt and unwanted aggression is never going to get you good results. So if you will all repeat after me, loudly and with purpose:

"Get Lost Fucktard!!!"

Rinse and repeat.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Postpone the Debate???? Really? Hmmm...

Dear Mr. McCain,

So I get the whole crushing economic crisis and all but, did you realize that it's September 25th, dude? Um....the election is like a month away. And you think suspending the campaign is a good idea? Granted I know you were only thinking just doing it for a couple days till all this Wall Street Gobbily-Goop gets sorted out, but really?

Me= Annoyed.

Here's a hint: There is no better time than NOW to be debating. When all eyes and ears are on you. Waiting patiently to hear what you and your opponent have to say to the nation, and each other.

I'm sorry to distract you with this note, I know you're busy rescuing our economy (ie: Trying on Cowboys and Indians Halloween costumes at the White House w/ your BFF Georgie-poo.) But whenever you're done, we are waiting, patiently.

Let the debates begin!!


Your Conscience.

Rachel Maddow... My love knows no bounds.....

Seriously, I love her. If you haven't watched her show on MSNBC or listened to her on AirAmerica, do it immediately. If you don't, flying monkeys will come down and snatch your first born children. You've been warned.

And on a side note: She is quickly catching up with Jon Stewart in Christen's all-time crushes. I would switch teams for her.
The Fabulous Life of.....The Next Great Depression!

photo courtesy:

Ok, I get it. We're screwed. We're all doomed and destined to survive off of one loaf of bread and a box of steel oatmeal a week for the rest of our lives. The second Great Depression looms.... Trust me I get it.

Having been inspired by Rachel Maddow's amazing Halloween Candy metaphor and some real life events that occurred as I got ready for work this morning, I thought of a metaphor of my own.

The way I look at it, our current economic dilemma is kinda like when you're in the bathroom, brushing your teeth or combing your hair and suddenly you knock a bottle of very expensive lotion (or perfume or whatever) into the toilet. NOOOOOOO!!!!

Now, at this moment you are faced with a very serious decision. Do you stick your hand into the filthy toilet to fish it out, quickly throw it into the sink and scald it with hot water to salvage it? Or do you just leave it there and decide that your prized item, no matter the value, is not worth the putting yourself in a revolting situation. The reality is, both options suck. Economic Bailout= sticking hand in toilet, No Economic Bailout= Losing Prize Possessions.

The thing that's really bugging me today is how everyone is acting so fucking surprised that this Economic Bailout issue has happened. The truth is, the American people are just as much to blame for this predicament as the wankers on Wall Street.

You can't sit idly by watching as investment houses and private lenders get richer and richer, all the while glorifying their spendthrift lifestyle and not expect some sort of repercussion. For years, they've flaunted great monetary wealth in front of our faces. Did the American people not wonder at all where that money was coming from and whether it was being dealt with responsibly?

And it's too late to assign blame now. Ain't it a bitch?

There is not one place in the world that I can think of that has had such a slow deterioration of its economic values over the last decade than in the U.S. All you really have to do is turn on the television to prove that. We have programs that idolize and glorify this ridiculously wasteful and irresponsible behavior of the wealthy. Programs like "The Real Housewives of Orange County"- on Bravo, (insipid women who place just as much value on plastic surgery, designer clothes and social status as average people place on their families and careers) "The Fabulous Life of... Filthy Rich Billionaires, Super Spenders, The Hamptons" on VH1 or "My Super Sweet Sixteen"(MTV)- ( a show in which spoiled, vapid rich 15-year-olds browbeat their out-of-touch and idiotic parents into spending tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars for their stupid birthday parties) have long been brainwashing our next generation of spenders and savers.

Now, anyone who knows me well can attest to the fact that I have fairly socialist leanings when it comes to independent wealth and how it should be distributed in society. And of course, I always manage to find myself bumping heads with one pro-Capitalism person or another on a regular basis. What's amusing to me today is that a lot of the pro-capitalist arguments that I've heard, well, seem pretty lame right now. I mean, sure there are still mega mega millionaires in the top percentage of our population, but is this whole economic debacle not proof enough that even those with that kind of money don't really know how to be responsible with it?

I say, lets turn the nation's (remaining) wealth over the the people like you and me. The people that actually know the value of stretching a dollar and saving up for a rainy day, because inevitably there are many. Not the people who think it's perfectly normal and okay to spend $30,000 on a diamond studded collar for their fucking Chihuahua.

Granted I'm making some giant leaps here between our current Economic situation and my dislike of stupid rich ass wipes, but hey, I've been looking for a reason to call them out for a while now. So there. Take that rich jerks!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

So last night I was texting with my cousin Jodi (16?) and she was telling me how much it blows that she works at Shaw's (a Connecticut grocery store chain). And of course my response was something to the degree of "Oh, honey. If you only knew all the crappy jobs that I've worked." I'm sure that didn't make her feel any better. But it did get me to thinking about all of the jobs I've had in my life, and why there are so many.

Then I had the fucking greatest epiphany ever! What if I am not supposed to be just one thing or have one career? Instead, perhaps I am meant to be a sort of social anthropologist, who immerses myself in everything and anything around me of interest. What if I am simply meant to be a muse? Or a-musing? Is there really anything wrong with that? I can't really think of anything cooler than to be able to reach my golden years, armed with all these amazing stories to tell my grandchildren or neighbors at the "home", about the many beautiful places and interesting people I've met along the way. What better way to honor this life than to spend time creating these wonderfully colorful patches of experience that when put together, will make the most exquisite quilt of memories?

My whole working life I've always wondered why I've never been content to just work in one job and do one thing, with the same people day after day. I think in our society, the popular opinion held of people like myself is that we are either A) Lazy or B) Free spirits who don't really want to grow up and accept real responsibility.

But you see, I don't think I'm either of those things. In fact, I'm probably one of the hardest workers a company can employ if I'm happy in what I'm doing. But there has always been a slippery slope that I teeter on. Once the balance shifts and I feel that I've mastered what it is that I'm doing, risen above others as a standout employee and taken from my job all the skills that I feel are necessary to do the work and do it well, I get...well, bored.

It is the challenge of the unknown that keeps me going. Diving head first into uncharted waters.

It's true that for as far back as I can remember, I've never been able to accept any surface explanations of things. I have always had this desire to know the whole story, figure things out, take things apart and crawl around them for a while until I understand how and why things work the way they do.

Thinking back, I don't regret any of the jobs that I've had and can honestly say that I've learned some really weird and interesting things along the way. Through my diverse experiences, I now feel that I have a greater sense of empathy for other people and their work. Because chances are I've probably done something similar. I've walked many miles in other peoples shoes... I at least know that with a different job comes a different set of challenges that you could never truly anticipate or understand until you yourself are faced with them. There is something very satisfying for me in immersing myself in a new environment and learning the specific narrative and symbolic behavior for each of those places.

I estimate that I've probably worked at over 25 places in the last 12 years. Over 25 bosses. Over 25 new sets of faces and names to remember. Over 25 different skill sets and procedures to follow. It's kind of exhausting if you think about it. I'm proud to say that I've only been fired once. But even that is a really great story.

Who knows where I'll end up, but at least I know that the best part will be finding my way there. And I'm not ashamed to say that while my jobs might not always be glamorous, I certainly feel richer.

And now, for your amusement, I've compiled a list of my jobs that I can remember up to this point. Keep in mind that many of these jobs occurred concurrently. So here they are, good and bad. Embarrassing and respectable. For better or for worse, these are the first few chapters of my life. :)

1) The Freestone Flyer-( 9 years old)- my own newspaper that I sold to my neighborhood.

2) Freddy's Pizza-(14 years old) Pizza Box folder who later graduated to sandwich-maker. Had to quit when the Pakistani owner told me that I had nice "mountains". And for the record, there were NO mountains when I was 14.

3) Main Street Video- (15-16?) Video clerk. The highlight of this job was Wednesday "Adult Video Rental- get one free" nights that would bring in all the town weirdos.

4) JT's Roadhouse Grill (16)- Hostess/ Server

5) Everything Ice Cream (16)- Ice Cream Scooper badass (I'll never again have such amazing biceps)

6) Dial America (16)- Telemarketer. Yeah yeah, I admit it.

7) Elmer's Bar- Bartender, cocktail waitress

8) The Brickyard- Bar-ho, Shot-girl, cocktail waitress

9) Club Insomnia- Door host/ Security (No really...I was female security. It's kind of hilarious thinking about that now. My main job was patting down chicks and kicking crackheads out of the bathroom stalls in the bathroom. Needless to say, the security ended up with a lot of "free" stuff and were worse druggies than most of the guests.

10) Centerfolds- Bartender/ shoulder to cry on for straggly men lacking the nerve to talk to women.

11) Wild Enterprises/Cydcor- Administrator, Sales, Assistant Manager

12) Titan Promotions/Cydcor- Manager of an office in Pompano Beach Florida

13) Noel Enterprises/Cydcor- Chicago sales office/ assistant manager

14) She-Nannigan's- Back to the bar-world in Chi-town

15) Mother's Too- Bartender/Day Manager- Greatest bar job ever. I worked 10am to 6pm Monday-Friday with a bunch of old coot regulars who would sit around and watch Law & Order Marathons with me.

16) Blue Chicago- Server in a Blues Club (Where I fell in love with the blues and met some of my personal heroes)

17) Bootlegger's- Bartender (Anarchy. 4AM bar. Ick)

18) River Shannon- Bartender

19) J- Randolph's- Bartender/Server

20) The Gin Mill- Server/Beer Tub (I only lasted like a month...icky college bar)

21) H. W. Lochner- Editorial Intern eventually promoted to Marketing Coordinator

22) Conscious Choice Magazine- Editorial Intern

23) Volo Wine Bar- (One of the best serving jobs ever)

24) CS Magazine- Editorial Intern/ Fact Checker/ Editorial Assistant

25) Echo Magazine- Features editor at Columbia College

26) Martini Park- Icky icky poo...Lasted 2 months

27) Corporate Concierge Services- My current schtick (about 1 year) we'll see how long this one lasts. :)

28) TBD
Have you guys seen this?????

Sarah Palin's Churches and The Third Wave from Bruce Wilson on Vimeo.

Um.....scary much?

Friday, August 29, 2008

America.... (with a lump in my throat) I believe again....

I watched as you all probably did. Millions of Americans waiting for either a message of change or a sign of great weakness. I couldn't help being reminded of four years ago as I sat helpless, almost knowing what the outcome would be, yet still paralyzed in severe denial. Contrary to what this blog may lead you to think, I'm not some crazy messenger for Barack Obama or the Democratic Party. In fact, I’m actually quite proud to be an Independent American.

I'm not blind to all of the doubts that fill the hearts and minds of the other half of Americans, some of whom reside in my own family. But I am, however, confident that I can be what most people in our country have long since forgotten to be; optimistic & hopeful.

And more than anything else, I am unabashedly angry at what it would mean for our country if we did not stand together now and make a change for the better. Not to torture you all with anything resembling regurgitated political rhetoric but I really do remember being eight or nine years old, standing in a classroom reciting the pledge of allegiance, unaware at the time of the power that those words meant. Innocently taking for granted the people that fought and died for the right for me to be able to say them.

But now, it is with no uncertain terms a different world. As you and I all know, our country is a much different place. Over the last six years in Chicago, I've met many tourists from around the world and noticed a definite change in the way we are viewed. No longer are we the recipients of respect, earned on the backs of our grandfathers and great grandfathers. We are now the targets of unwavering criticism and doubt. And you know what? I don't fucking blame them.

I watched tonight as Barack said nothing new, but echoed only the deepest desires of our hearts with resounding strength. I watched as he stood before our people, not unaware that his years of inexperience could be pinned against him for the worst, but focusing more on the fact that he could easily represent a beacon of renewal and change for this country.

I watched with my roommate, he openly admitting his concerns and overall lack of interest in the whole process, his hopes being dashed the second time Bush was re-elected. He said, "Why should I care? I live in a liberal city that is going to vote for Barack either way and it won't matter.”

And honestly, with the last few elections results in this country, I really can't blame him or others for the feelings of disconnectedness that has come with our political processes. But I also feel that that is exactly why voices like his and mine should be heard the most. Why we should fight to make them heard. Because we have had the opportunity to live in a more diverse and liberal society and can best serve as an example for others in this country. We, as educated people should be ashamed of ourselves if we are not the biggest advocates for the uneducated and underprivileged. Why shouldn’t the people that have better paying jobs not speak out for those without?

Ultimately, the question should not be about why or why not, because really, at the end of the day we all know that the reasons that we should are far greater. We know that even in our smallest efforts, we can make a difference and it does matter. And more importantly, if we don’t…who will?

The more I think about it, and the more I think about my generation's general attitude as a whole to the election process, the angrier I get. And of course you could easily write any of this off as the musings from a liberal socialist hippie with no real world experience and a penchant for the dramatic. Part of that assumption wouldn’t be completely untrue.

But what you should really consider when reading this is not my place in life and opinions of it, rather how I came to have these views. Luckily for me, I realize that my place in life has come in direct effect of the actions that others have taken for my future. Sadly, not enough of my peers do yet. They do not see that our paths and successes have been earned on the backs, hearts and minds of those who figured that somewhere down the road, their contribution, no matter how small, would make all the difference. It's crazy for me to think that when my grandmother, (one of my greatest inspirations) was a teenager, she couldn't even vote. This woman, who throughout my childhood and to todayhas served time and time again as the moral compass for many decisions in my life, could not even play a part in deciding the fate of her children or children's children? It blows my mind.

So today, the more I think about it, the less apologetic I am beginning to feel about the late night rants and pounded fists I’ve make over dinner or cocktails to women or men who I’ve just met, (or those who I know well) about the importance to take a hold of the things that we take for granted. I even once offered an old roommate a free dinner and a drive to the suburbs, just so she would vote. Who she would choose was not even the issue.

Recently, I’ve held court with some great minds over the issues of welfare, social reform and taxes. And while I can almost always empathize and see where opposing opinions are coming from, I know in my heart that what is best for this country is not the strength, wealth and example of the few, but the strength and example of us all. And for that reason, which I felt was strongly reinforced by the Democratic leaders of this country over the last few days at the convention; I will never again apologize after getting all fired up for my beliefs. For that reason, I am so very proud to have Barack Obama running for President of the United States.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The War of the Waistline...P.S. We're Losing

So I apologize in advance if any of you haven't eaten yet, but a story must be told here. And unfortunately, pictures are required in this type of tale.

I live in the fattest city in America, and according to most people, just the simple fact that I actually am technically "underweight", I should have no room to speak on this issue.

(NOTE: I honestly think that in the last few years, the testing that determines "overweight, normal or underweight" has been skewed because so many people are overweight, that it has almost become the norm. For example, a good friend of mine took her happy, healthy and fit eight-year-old son to the doctor and was shocked to learn that he was only in the 40th percentile of size for his age. Upon query, the doctor informed her that her son was not in fact small, rather most other children have been tested as larger. Yikes.)

But back to the post. It is disturbing to me how many "larger" children there are running around. And since when do Flaming Hot Cheetos and a Coke constitute a decent breakfast for a child on their way to school? No joke. I actually see kids eating this in the morning on the train. And no, they are not sneaking it. They are being
fed it by their mothers sitting next to them.

Ugh. I know that some people are trying to lose weight, and that the battles are epic. But I wonder sometimes how much we actually commit ourselves to fighting the challenges we face.

For example, today at lunch I popped into this place called "America Dogs". A kind of smorgasborg of hot dog delights from around the continental U.S. Knowing that I am DEFINITELY not supposed to be eating hot dogs on this new nutrition regiment given to me by my doctor, I almost walked out of the door before seeing that they had Morningstar Veggie Dogs on the menu. Hooray!! I ordered it at once. Scarfed it down with onions, mustard and ketchup, all the while reveling in my appropriate lunch choice.

And then I look over to the table next to me. There sat three Latino ladies, with what can only be described as a buffet of hot dogs, French fries, and onion rings. One lady, however, was the conscientious one who had opted for a salad. (EGADS! so the feast was now only for TWO?) At once I felt proud of that sole woman, who so bravely sat among the crinkly, beautiful, drool-worthy French fries and mouth-watering onion rings. A feat I know I would never be able to accomplish. That was until I saw this woman pull the largest carton of fries across the table and begin sprinkling them ONTO her salad.

People, I can't even make this shit up. So what the fuck what the lettuce for? An over sized garnish?

I'm not really sure I have point to all this besides, Yuck. Needless to say, I lost a little more faith in humanity today, and our ability to take care of ourselves. Double yuck.

And P.P.S. I just wrote this post while eating a plate of wraps that definitely had a LOT of bacon in them. Hypocrite? Maybe. But bacon is soooo good.

Monday, June 09, 2008

The Beginning of the End.... and my new beginning.

Most of the time, I comfort myself with the notion that most of life's challenges are merely lessons that we are supposed to learn at that exact point in our life. Other times, I want to give the universe a giant middle finger for dropping upon me, many unanswerable questions.

Lately, I've been feeling like I've have finally climbed out of the depths of one life challenges to reach the top and see nothing but endless stretches of open fields in every direction. Where do I go now?

So here I am, in Chicago. Almost 6 years now. Holy shit.

And what have I learned? Well, I've learned that when I apply myself and I can do anything I set my mind to. I've learned that if you don't hold onto love, well... it moves. To California.

I've learned that relationships are fleeting. Laughter, short-lived. Friendships require care and cultivation if they are to flourish. And most of all, that we are all just strangers in our own skin meant to spend a lifetime getting to know ourselves.

And I've learned that even though we might think we know what we want out of life, those wants usually have a life of their own. They can crawl from our hearts, slide down the bed and head out the door, only to pick up residence in a new shiny heart down the hall in someone new. And in their place move-in different, new wants that stretch out the walls of their new home, often leaving you bruised and beaten after days of fighting the status quo of what has been.

So enough with the dramatic metaphors. I guess what I'm trying to say is that in this last year, I have done more than my share of self-reflection only to come to the conclusion that my life up to this point feels like borrowed time. Like a vacation I went on and think back fondly on. It's strange how suddenly everything in my life seems so fragile, and that even at the young age of 27, I am scared to not have enough time left to do the things I want. (If I ever figure out what those wants are) Weird right?

It's as though overnight, I woke up and my life is in fast forward. Literally. One day everyone is telling me to relax, have fun. Live a little, you're young! And the next, everyone I know is popping out babies and talking about "taking it easy". Really? Already? Not me.

And as much as I love Chicago, it has ceased to feel like home. It was for a while there. I remember feeling excited after going back East to visit family, to return to my shitty little apartment in the Windy City, where I didn't have much but my swollen heart to fill those four walls with joy.

And now? Well now, my apartment feels kinda transitory. I can't really complain about the living conditions though, as they have vastly improved. But now it just feels empty, even with all the furniture. So I've decided to move on seek out my new home. Wherever or with whomever it may be.

The East Coast is the obvious right choice for my move. Not only is my family there, but over the last few years it seems that so many people in my life were headed in that direction for one reason or another.

Oh, and The Ocean. I miss her dearly. The smell of it, the gritty sand that stays on your feet for hours after leaving the beach, the way the afternoon sunshine convinces us all that the day is endless.

What else do I miss? The people. Their bluntness. The rudeness. The way people really look at you when you talk, as if they are dissecting your words one by one in order to properly frame their rebuttal or affirmation.

I miss walking in a bar and having guys not even try to pretend that they are not checking you out. (NOTE TO MIDWEST GUYS: YOU ARE REALLY NOT THAT COOL). I even miss the women. The unapologetic way that they speak their minds, even if you don't want to hear it. The opinions. The openness. The way they don't hold their tongues. (NOTE TO MIDWEST WOMEN: STOP WALKING AROUND MAKING THAT "WHO FARTED IN MY FACE" SCREW-FACE. YOU ARE NOT THAT COOL EITHER)

This morning as I walked from the train to work, a total East Coast Guido who was totally creepy and most definitely leering at me, looked me straight in the eyes and proclaimed "Good Morning Beautiful!!" in his Jersey-esque accent. And funny thing is, all I could think of was "Ah, I miss Home".

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Brain vs. Heart..... Battle royal.

Hello my lovelies... So remember a couple months ago when I made that New Year's resolution to get rid of a certain destructive relationship? Well, you know what they say about fulfilling resolutions.. Heh.

Oops.....(Shrug, nervous laugh)

(Here is my obligatory oops...hee hee photo)

As you can probably guess, I didn't keep mine. And now here I am again, a couple months older, none the wiser and this time far more embittered about the whole situation. Ugh.

Its funny because I knew the first time we broke up that it was for the best, but yet somewhere in my cynical shell lies a hopeless romantic. And dammit, its not often when I meet people I connect with and I wasn't too keen on giving that up.

You're probably wondering if I'm worried that he might read this, but alas He won't. Not taking an interest in my creative talents was one of the smaller but still annoying issues I had with him.

So, wish me luck this time around.

And one more thing. Why is it so goddamn hard to get my brain and my heart to agree on anything? Its like I've got Laurel and Hardy in there, except with the exception of the slapstick humor occuring daily in my life, its not nearly as funny.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Natalie Cole should shut her big stupid yap......
Go Team Amy Winehouse!!

Um..... am I missing something here or didn't Natalie Cole used to be a former crack/heroin addict? WOW. Those who live in glass houses right?

Did anyone else hear her on the Grammy's red carpet berating Amy Winehouse after she cleaned up with 5 Grammy Awards by claiming that she "didn't deserve to win" because she should not be rewarded for being a mess? Qua? Um.....sorry to say but she DID. And millions of people agree with me. Need proof? Look at her record sales. When was the last time Natalie Cole sold that many records?

And just in case she is not up to date with her Winehouse stats, the poor girl IS in fact struggling with an addiction for which she is attempting to get help for. In this time we should be supporting her and her sobriety, not telling her that she is undeserving.

And what kind of crap is that to say that a drug addict is not deserving of acclaim. Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Billy Holiday, Jim Morrison.....and the list would go on and on. Were these people, less musically influencial because of their personal demons?

Ugh. The whole thing sickens me. She should shut her big yap and remember that the only reason she is that famous in the first place is with the help of her father's name. And that not that long ago she was spending thousands of dollars made off that name, buying crack-rock from degenerates like herself.

She needs to do a bit of homework before she lumps together pop-culture trainwrecks like Britney Spears/Lindsey Lohans/Paris Hiltons into the same group as someone as genuinely talented as Miss Amy Winehouse.

Being constantly bombarded with images of these attention-craving starlets annoyingly acting out their daily shenanigans in the media, I see what Cole was attempting to say. However, she ended up looking like a jealous ass by trying to steal Amy's thunder on such an important day in her life. Go Team Winehouse!!!

And from I present Miss Winehouse:

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Here's the deal..... (christen's insufferable political ramblings)

(Image courtesy of: www. )

Here we go again people. Have we all learned our lesson this time? Are we actually ready for a change?

You know, it sickens me that our country has to almost completely lapse back into a recession and a full-out economy circle-jerk before we start taking notice of our political leaders. Is anyone really shocked that the Iraq war has become less of a concern to American voters? Of course not.

Suddenly our consumer-driven society seems on the brink of consuming itself and we all wonder how it happened. Suddenly, the idea of invading and destroying another country just because we can doesn't seem to have been such a good idea. Well, you put war mongers in power folks, believe me, you get a war.

While I've tried to remain open-minded and truly weigh the possibilities of each candidate, I can't help but get a little bit caught up in this Obama-rama fever. Perhaps its because he is SO different than what we have now. It actually don't think it would be that hard for ANYONE to run on the "Change" platform and get people excited.

And of course, we have all the critics running around toting Hilary Clinton's experience as being the trump card to Obama's charm, but at the end of the day, haven't "experienced" politicians ultimately done more harm than good to this country?

I would like to see someone take the $70 billion that we send overseas to fund war turn it back around and spent on our schools and health care. I mean really, who gives a shit if we live in a safe-free country if we are all a bunch of safe-free-sick morons?

I just saw on the news that a new report ranked the US last in Health care. Shocker! I've known this for the last 10 years, living as an uninsured worker. All because I can't afford it. And why the heck is it so expensive? If we are dead last in improving overall health of patients, what the hell are we paying for? Its things like this that make me consider defecting to France or Canada or Austria or Australia. But I digress and am getting terribly off topic.

Back to the race.

Is anyone as concerned as I am about the actual voting process going to shit?

Issue #1. The electoral college. Isn't is time that we revisited how this system works? Of course there are a few pluses, like how it can balance turn-out disparities among voters, but in my view there are a lot more negatives.

Just the fact that each state determines their own processes with electors makes the system unbalanced and varied throughout the country. And what about those faithless elector guys, who choose at the last minute to vote whichever way they please? In a state with only 3 electors, that one person is way too powerful.

And then we have the issue of the popular vote. For the most part, the electoral college reflects the views of the majority, but look what happened in 2000. It was the first time in 112 years where the winner of the popular vote did not win the election. And why is that? Well I think you all know that story.

Much like our crippled and archaic Constitution, a revision of this system is desperately needed to balance out the inconsistencies of popular opinion vs. decision.

It seems unfair that in a place like Wisconsin where there is a lower population, the voting power of three electors is amplified and more influential than places like California, where there are a lot more state representatives, thus more electors.

Man, how do you get that elector gig anyway? Where do I cast my vote for those dudes? Or do I live in a state that assumes those electors based on which candidates I choose? You SEE!! Its so confusing!


I think we should look to a National Popular Vote system which would make the electors votes be determined by the popular vote of the people. Doesn't that seem more fair?

Anyway, half of you are probably nodding off at this point, the other half of you are wondering how you ended up on my site instead of the Britney Spears gossip site. For all of you, I apologise. I promise to get at least one funny post in asap. Now YOU promise to pull your heads out of the sand and catch some sort of fever....Obama-fever, Clinton-fever, Edwards-fever, yellow fever...whatever. Ok, well maybe not the last one. Unless it makes you vote. In which case, Yea yellow fever!

I'm out.

I can't help but smile when I see people walking around with T-shirts and bumper stickers that have the 1-20-09 "The end of an error" logo on them.

While I can't forsee the future and I definitley don't want to get ahead of myself, I do notice a large collective sense of relief among many people that this day is approaching. It's like a tremendous weight will be lifted from us. You see world? We were only kidding electing that guy! Hee hee *blush blush* You can LIKE us again, right?

As for you President George W. Bush, this is what I think of YOU:

(Image courtesty of :

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

How "REAL" can they be?

So the amazingness that is David Gilmore of, has this love affair with the Bravo channel television show "The Real Housewives of Orange County." I have been a big fan of the pop art on his site for quite a while and most recently I have been intrigued and facinated by his series of art inspired by "The Real Housewives".

I have to say, that up till now I did my best to avoid watching it, but last night- under extreme diress from consuming MASS quantities of alcohol on NYE, rendering me almost entirely incompacitated and unable to muster the energy to grab the remote and change the channel- I watched it. Actually I watched it for 2 hours but hey, who's counting? It was captivating in its horribleness.

Hmmm... where do I start?

I guess my first thought and concern would be, if there really are aliens out there in the universe studying all the different species of the world, we are screwed.

Remember that movie in the 80s, "The Explorers" where the kid alien kidnaps the kid explorers and can only talk using dialogue he found from earth television shows? Can you imagine the crap that would come out of his mouth if he watched the Real OC shows?

"Like- Oh ma gaahwd! Thanks for totally coming on my ship!" "Money is hello?" "Like- umm... I hope you guys broke your daddie's credit cards! Lets do some interglactic shopping! designer space suits! No room service? Ick."

Seriously though, this show made my brain hurt. The relationships they have with their family members and each other are about as fake as the boobs, hair and teeth. It really makes my skin crawl to think that there are so many people in the world that go without, and these people don't even have a fucking clue what the real value of a dollar is.

My favorite part? One of the parents, this wealthy man named George, begrudeonly agrees to take his blonde boobs-with-a-head fiance and their daughters to"rough" it in a deluxe RV in Yellowstone National Park.

While George and his lady reflect on how good this will be for their demon money hungery spawn, the girls are none pleased with this "adventure". One girl, probably no older than 13, maintained a freakish screw-face for the duration of the trip, and occassionally bellowed out her lament that there was " room service? I only go on 5 star vacations!"

Cut to a scene with George and the Boobs walking hand to hand talking about how the girls are so "spoiled" and that they are going to struggle in life because of their lack of experience and character. QUA? Did I miss something? Whose fault do they think it is that their children are morally repugnant? Oh, and Boobs was talking about her youngest daughter Sofie, and she actually said and I quote, "Thank goodness for Sofie. She's the only one of my children that hasn't disappointed me yet". Ick

Her other 2 kids ? Thrown to the wolves. Fuck em', she got a new sugar daddy and a million dollar rock on her hand. Let's just hope little Sophie doesn't dissapoint her mommy anytime soon.

Well my friends, that's pretty much all the attention I am willing to devote to that horrible program and those horrible people. Its shows like that that really make me disgusted to be American, or human. Ick. Ick. Ick. I need a shower just thinking about it again.

(image courtesy of
Do Plastic Surgeons Steal Brains?


Investigators from over five countries have come forward today, with startling allegations of a secret body part smuggling ring involving over 57 plastic surgeons around the world. Apparently, this sting operation has been underway for the last few years and authorities say that they are just on the brink of acquiring the information they need to close-in on many more of these rouge surgeons. The body part on the market? Brains.

Staff Sergeant Michael Williams of the Phonywood Police Department in Los Angeles, released a statement today condemning these abominable acts and calling upon all other local police departments to join him in the fight against these brain stealing monsters.

According to Phonywood PD documents, brains of unsuspecting women visiting plastic surgeons for procedures such as breast augmentation, liposuction and lip injections were victims of brain robbery. In the report, details are given of some women who were even coerced into voluntarily giving away sections of their brains in lieu of payment for services.

Certain cat-faced centenarian celebrities are among the names of famous people who have allegedly traded brains for procedures.

So what are these surgeons doing with these brains, you ask? Stay tuned for part two of this story to learn the sordid and dirty details of these plastic surgeons brazen acts of brain robbery.

(image courtesty of


Monday, December 31, 2007

I declare this...The Summer of George! Er..I mean, THE YEAR OF CHRISTEN!!!

Hello my lovelies. Today I find myself writing to you on the last day of 2007. Although it's been a good year, I am pretty glad that it's coming to an end. Because-----2008 has officially been deemed the YEAR OF CHRISTEN. And not because it is 2008, but because this year I am 27. Don't ask me what the specific relevance to being 27 is, just understand that I am declaring it... so it will be.

Big things are brewing. I can just feel it.

As for resolutions, I only have one. I don't want to go into to much detail, but it involves giving up not a habit, but a person.

I guess this person actually is my bad habit. Have you ever had a relationship with a person in your life that you know is completely destructive, yet you can't shake em'? My relationship with this person is a lot like my relationship with fast food: I love eating it, but immediately regret it.

It's going to be a struggle, but I'm pretty sure it will be worth it in the long run. I might even look back on this and laugh at how I even had an attachment to this person.

So for 2008, I am going to try to be strong and try to surround myself with people of substance, character and love. And most of all, make the YEAR OF CHRISTEN as meaningful as life should be.

Peace out 2007....