Tuesday, March 23, 2004

So I'm beginning to think that life is like a peep show. You give a little, you get a little reward. You give a lot, you get a little reward. In all my wanderings, I'm beginning to question whether it is possible to do it all.....within the confines of what is available. For example, I'd like to see the world, travel without destination, kneel down in the street of a place that begins to blend in with all the others and just be thankful that I am alive. I want to get drunk in a tavern of a town so small that there is no name. I want to look into someone's eyes, and communicate with emotion and without words. There is so much to see, but how is it possible?
In the chemically treated, raw, and dismal truth of things, there is so much bullshit. So many factors that you involve yourself in without even being aware of them. Do I sell my shit and just run free, breaking my lease and obligations that you could barely consider wanting to be obliged to? Sell my furniture and possessions and buy a plane ticket just to be penniless and without sanctuary in a foreign land? Put all my goals, and expectations on hold and just wander? Of course it may seem bleak, but I know it would be worth it. Seeing one sunrise on an African Safari, or stumbling through words I can barely understand in a Asian marketplace, would make it all OK.
What kills me is that people always say that there are the watchers and the doers. My biggest fear would be to be a watcher. I cannot fathom living a life without awe and seeing the unimaginable.
No matter how bad things in life can get, and as inevitable as they may be, the fear of what may never be, is worse than the fear of what can and will.