Wednesday, March 21, 2007

An Existential Crisis... or as I like to call it " A Lazy Streak"

I realize it has been quite a while since I updated on a regular basis. I somehow don't have the type of discipline it takes to whine and muse about random thoughts the way I used to. Or maybe its the fact that all my best blogging came during the times when I was held prisoner in an office for 8 hours a day.

So here I am again, almost forgetting how to type (or write for that matter). Recapturing my old wit feels a lot like riding a dusty unicycle.

I could make excuses but that would be pretty lame. As of right now I'm taking a giant step back from my life and really trying to examine the place that I am in. I have been so distracted by finishing my degree that I don't think I really put too much emphasis on figuring out what would happen after. And much like the rest of my life I foolishly assumed things would just fall into place and happen...which they usually do. I'm of the belief that if you have a positive enough attitude, good things will happen. No matter how stressful a situation, I have always been able to find my way out. "Everything will work itself out" has pretty much been my personal mantra.

So rewind to December 2006. There I was, smug and satisfied with myself for completing college in under 10 years! Yea me! I jumped into the career search, armed with a blind sense of confidence that could almost will me into getting a job on charisma alone. And then lo' and behold, after working for free in my "field" while keeping one eye on the prize I realized that what I thought I wanted might not be what I would be happiest doing.

I've been having these conversations lately with friends (that most likely make them want to stick nails in their eyes; I mean really "wa wa wa...poor me, I'm so confused"; meanwhile children in Africa are eating gnats for sustenence), about how I need to learn how to separate the idea that WHAT I do (as a career) doesn't necessarily make me WHO I am. But you see, the problem is, I want what I do to be who I am. Its not like I'm living in the burbs with two kids and working as a means to support them. Its easy to separate yourself from work when your priorities are elsewhere. I am really just searching for something that will keep me occupied and fulfilled everyday. And I don't think that will happen sitting in an office 40 hours a week.

A good friend of mine is playing with the notion of joining the Peace Corps. I have to say that I admire that about her. I think that I would love to do something like that as well. I don't, however, have the kind of patience myself that would allow me to pull off such a noble act. At the end of the day, I really like helping people but I also really like having a cocktail if you know what I mean.

Thankfully, I'm getting out of dodge for a while. Me and my mom are hitting up Costa Rica at the end of the month and it is a much needed escape. I quit 2 of my 3 jobs and till I return from my trip I'm pretty sure there will be a lot more of this going back and forth about my future.

Chicago has been good to me, but really, does my road really end here? Who knows. But hopefully, for my sake and everyone elses I will return from my trip with a clearer picture of where my next step should be. Or at least I'll be able to stop driving everyone crazy with my whining.


xoxo

C